I have been wanting to write this post for several weeks now, but when I write, it is very important to me that I be completely transparent and even vulnerable about what God is teaching me. Insecurity is something I have struggled with for a while now, but it wasn't until tonight that I knew what God was asking me to write. I hope this post brings you comfort and hope.
Insecurity is a parasite. It eats you alive. It destroys you. There is no benefit from it.
Ever since I first got sick, I have really struggled with insecurity. At times, I have felt completely hopeless, destitute, and unlovable. Insecurity invades the mind and takes over everything in it. It is strong and all encompassing. Because it is so strong, it has made me do some really stupid and regrettable things.
Some days, all I hear in my head is insecurity.
You are ugly
You are scarred
You are fat
You have no friends
You are unlovable
You are not smart enough
You are not funny
You are weird
You are disgusting
You can not sing
Your suffering will never end
And the list goes on and on. It's hard. It crushes me. It makes me lock myself in my room all day because I feel like I do not belong anywhere else. Some nights I just lie in my bed and sob because I feel like the world would be a better place if I did not live in it.
Winter is my favorite season, but not because of the holidays, or the snow, or even the cold air. It is my favorite because the sky is brilliantly clear every night, and I can see the stars. I have always loved stars. They are so beautiful. There are billions and billions of stars that shine in the night sky that reside millions of lightyears away. But the stars shine and twinkle and they even sing. They are absolutely completely marvelous, and I love the clear winter night sky so I can just stand in awe of the beauty of the stars.
I also really love the sunrise and sunset. I have been so lucky as to see the sun set over the ocean in California, and to see the sun rise over the mountains in Kenya on the other side of the world. There are truly no words to describe such beauty. Our God is a creative God.
Anyone who knows me can quickly tell you how much I love puppies. They are so adorably fluffy and cute and lovably. They stumble around and make cute noises and lick your toes and your nose. Honestly, what did we do to deserve puppies? They sacrifice their precious toys to you in exchange for your love. They cuddle you selflessly when you have a bad day. They are excited to see you EVERY SINGLE TIME.
All of this to say, God breathed into life all these absolutely amazing things that leave me in complete awe every single day. Our God is magnificent, creative, imaginative, brilliant, and just.
And He decided to make me.
He created all these absolutely amazing things, yet He believed that the earth still needed a Hannah Lorainne Mace. So I know I have a purpose, and that God believed that by adding me to the earth, He was making the world better by allowing me to live and bring more glory to His name!
So on the days when I feel ugly, I remember that the God who made the beautiful stars also made me. On the days that I feel unlovable, I remember that God loved me so much, He sent His son to die for me so that I can spend eternity with Him. On the days that I feel scarred, I remember that Jesus Christ was also scarred, and that is how He showed His disciples of God's goodness! On days when I think my suffering will never end, I remember that one day, all my suffering will end, and I will enter into eternity with my Lord and Savior, where there will be no tears, no pain, and most importantly, no spinal taps (Can I get an AMEN!?).
As I continue in my walk with Christ, I only pray that I can remember who I am in Christ and forget my earthly self so that I can serve Christ and serve others to the best of my ability. The best is yet to come.